i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
