how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
