Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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