Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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