I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize