So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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