the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
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My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
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I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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