Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
