i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
