so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
