Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
