I think scott just propositioned me for sex
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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