so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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