She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
