The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
