Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
