I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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