I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
