I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
