who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
