Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
