the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
