3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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