Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
zippers are such a cool invention
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
