i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i was born a porn star she said
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
