as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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