We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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