Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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