I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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