In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
