Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
