he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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