the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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