"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
