It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
