Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
