quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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