My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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