nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
