Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
im six kinds of drunk right now
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
