she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
