your room smells of hookers.
And success
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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