If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
