So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
