So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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