Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I need a beard to bite.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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