Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
