ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
