I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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