i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
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