I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
