idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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