People with herpes should wear stickers.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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