I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
