She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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