my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
