I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
