just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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