Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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