what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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