i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
