Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
